Zimbabwe Takes Self Hostage In Powersharing Measure Suggested By Thabo Mbeki.

Harare, Mutare – In an innovative move, Zimbabwe’s rival MDC and Zanu PF have taken each other hostage with immediate effect. The move, said to have been suggested by former South African President, Thabo Mbeki, has been praised by other African heads of state.
The move, which sees the opposed parties take each other into custody, began at 8 am this morning, with leadership of both political groupings agreeing to give the controversial measures a chance.
“We don’t know how long it will be before a true solution is reached, but comrade Mbeki is known to be a visionary, and we are sure that no matter how strange these measures are, they will prove him to be the great statesman that he has said he is,” said Morgan Veeate, leader of the Movement Of Irritable Bowel. (MIB)
Meanwhile, Mbeki has been quoted as saying that he is an African, and that when two parties struggle for so long to agree, sometimes the best solution is to take each other hostage.
“My grandmother used to say that the best way to catch a snake was to use a stick and a bucket. In this case, we are not catching snakes, or even letting them get away. In fact, there are no snakes in this story at all – I suppose what I am trying to explain is that: by taking each other as a prisoner, we are ensuring that the two parties will consolidate their disagreement into one big pile, and then perhaps move forward, using a framework of Ubuntu, where one is all, thereby overcoming the legacy of history, and donating to the future the gifts that have been thus far absent in the present, to a generation so far unborn, and who will inherit not only the fruits we have planted, but also the challenges presented by grass roots issues that can and must and will be faced only when they arrive. In the words of Majimbo Papaya the famous 13th Century Poet: “When the eagle finds a new home, the beetles must sing quietly.” Said Mbeki at a press conference to announce the new strategy earlier today.
It is expected that both sides will issue a list of demands , with both sides expected to favour grain, diesel and forex in their respective lists, with electricity and coffee a close fourth and fifth.
Meanwhile, outgoing US President, George W. Bush has been less than tactful on hearing the news:
“Oh Christ, what a bunch of goddamn monkey people – no wonder they eat their young and worship satan… let Obama deal with them, I’m sure their grandparents all came from the same tree in Australia, didn’t they? And anyway, that’s where criminals come from, isn’t it? Goddamn sheep stealing mud slaves… we should have never let them go, I’m glad I’m getting out of here, mud babies are going to run the world one day, and I want to be on the moon when they do.”

Take away the silly little moustache, colour him a little greyer and add a little volume to the bark and you wouldn’t be too far from the real thing. The leader of the troop nobody wants any more, hanging on by a thread, protected by a chief wife who also doesn’t know why she bothers any more because he really has lost it these past couple of years. All he can do is strike out at anyone who comes near to keep him away from the King Rock at the mouth of the King Cave but soon he won’t even be able to do that. For, once the tribe has spoken the wise thing to do is give way to the chosen successor and live out one’s days in uninterrupted peace. Hanging in against the wishes of the tribe is the action of a real baboon and only encourages loud, barking laughter behind the back of the rejected, increasing support for the newly-elected one. Sitting and waiting is easier for the younger one because time and the troop are behind him. The  old one walks a fine line between realising that his time is done and overstaying his welcome to the point where it becomes untenable, And then no quarter is given and no respect accorded. Simply a shrill call to arms as the troop falls upon the jilted and tear him to shreds, leaving his remains to the hyenas and the vultures, the janitors of the jungle to whom no meat, no matter how impalatable is ever too foul. The time to pay for all the crimes against the tribe is now upon him and he will learn that flailing against the inevitable is just so much piss in the wind. The same wind that will carry the memory of his inhumanity and scatter it into oblivion.